Neymar’s inability to act, Torres’ scratching and Di Canio

In my game as a presenter and pundit on a football show – have a look you’ll fuckin’ love it – you have to both love and hate the game of football. Today, I hate it.

I hate it today chiefly because of Neymar’s inability to act, Torres’ inability to be a man and because just six games in people are already talking about whether some managers will still be in a job by November.

Let’s start with Neymar. I’ll not dance around the topic. I think the lad’s a cock. He’s skilled in the art of dribbling, control, passing, running with the ball and all the elegant skills that make a player great. However, last night, he also displayed something that is becoming commonplace in all football – both British and Continental – and that is the despicable inability to act well. He showed a level of acting skill that would fail an audition for any Channel Five home-made drama.

I am not condoning what he did. I think he’s a cock for making a mountain of a molehill. I tell you: if you’ve been hit by a Scot you know about it. Back in my playing days, I once fell foul of Big Malky Muldougal. I still have to visit the hospital, forty years on, to get my dressing changed.

What irks me is the lack of true acting skills. It’s school Christmas Nativity stuff. Neymar’s performance was the worst I’ve seen in ages (although the camera man from ITV was a little off the mark with following the action). What Neymar needs is a lesson or two in the Method: a touch of the old Stanislavski (the acting coach, not the nippy winger who played two seasons with Bromley FC). He needs to really inhabit the body of a man who has been mortally wounded. He also then needs to be able to do what every footballer fails to do after acting like they’ve been shot by a nine-calibre gun: look amazed at their recovery. They never run to the referee or the bench and look amazed that they have miraculously been cured of their fatal injury within a matter of mere seconds. I want realism back in football. Not this fantasy fooking football shite.

If you get hit, go down like Al Pacino would. If you’re going to act then go for an Oscar as well as the Balloon Door (you know what I mean, that fancy award that Messi owns). If you can’t act then don’t go down. Only make the most of a slight touch if you can really make it as an extra in Saving Private Ryan sequel.

Torres gets me riled. He gets me wound up like a cuckoo clock. So, the FA let him off with a slap across the wrist because the other match officials at the game didn’t see enough to charge him with misconduct. When are we – as fans – going to demand that they make the decisions like this from the same seat the majority of us watch our football by – the TV. Strike a light! He’s done it, we all saw it and yet the match officials have a touch of the old Arsene Wengers and didn’t see it. I wish I didn’t see Neymar’s shite acting but I did. I’m scarred for life.

Finally, the papers are already questioning the future of some managers while Five Live’s 606 and TalkSport have already had the “he must go” crowd out. Di Canio aside (I think he’s just a tit), there’s no one in the Premier League who should worry about their jobs. The world and his dog knows that it is not until seven games into the season that the LMA wake up their rent-a-quote press team (“he didn’t deserve to go”, “managers need more time”, “football’s changed”). Although, as a pundit I am paid to say that I think Moyes should worry. While I am at it I think Pardew should be looking at holiday destinations after Christmas. And as for Mourinho… watch this space. Everything was set up for Pep Guardiola and the Special One isn’t so special anymore.

If you want to hear more of my comments and opinion then tune into my show on a Friday. The Football Special gives me a soap box to shout from and has some cracking sketches too.