Fergie broke a million hearts when he announced his retirement. A Man U without Fergie prior to last month was an unimaginable horror, right up there with the apocalypse; but a Fergie without Man U? What on earth will he do? Out of concern, and slightly out of jest, we’ve drawn up a list for him.
If we are honest, Alex Ferguson’s team selections over the course of his career have raked a fair few brands a fair few bucks, and so according to universal laws of karma and what not, they owe him. Once the tenure of a public figure’s career in the public eye has come to an end, many find themselves being comfortably sucked into the highly ambiguous world of “consultancy” whereby their expertise and connections are supposedly used to enhance the performance of a business. In layman’s terms this usually means 6 figure pay checks for a 2 day week, usually carried out home. We’d turn a blind eye, dude has earnt it.
Wrigley’s Model / Dental Consultant
He could well get in front of the camera himself, as no man has done more for the promotion of chewing gum for so long before so many. Be honest now, how many times has the seductive, anxious (mainly angry) hammering and gnawing of those pink jowls (what a jawline eh?) on a piece of Wrigley’s or Extra stirred the desire deep within your soul to freshen your breath with some chewable rubber? Or just look as cool as he does? Well then. Alternatively he could run workshops on the dangers of over chewing, including lock-jaw, hence his inaudible murmuring on occasion.
By heck he’s good at spotting a pretty face; perhaps he should look at jobs in fashion! During Fergie’s tenure at Manchester, Fergies gathered a collection of players to rival your average Chippendale line up with players accruing a global fan base concerned far less with demonstrable skills on the pitch and more so with those demonstrated in front of high fashion camera lenses. Ronaldo in those teeny, tiny shorts; David Beckham and those Golden Balls in the Armani y-fronts; Ferdinand being offered a job judging America’s next top model all leave us thinking that Fergie’s infamous “hairdryer” tirades may have actually involved a hairdryer, complete with a make-up and styling team. Not sure about Luke Chadwick though.
Boot-camp /Anger Management Coach
We are all, erm, familiar with Fergie’s tendency to reduce the manliest of men to a quivering pile of muscular mush with his rage. He could create his own trademark boot camp academy for everything from weight loss to stress relief (involving football boots, and blood) to anger management. Entitled Fergie’s Farm of Fury, it’ll take over Bikram Yoga in no time with a global army of devout followers.
Hype Man/Spoken Word Artist
The Highlands are wonderful for many things- haggis, kilted men advertising porridge, the natural beauty of the hills and the Lochs; but where is the Hip Hop at? So we got to thinking, that Al, or Fergie Fizzle (or Fergie Bootstrap?) as he could be known, could get into the hip-hop trade as a hype man. He’s got all the skills: he knows how to the get the crowd pumped, his team psyched and he’s got a way with words. Failing that, he could continue the great Scottish tradition of great poetry. “He was 13 and just floated over the ground like a cocker spaniel chasing a piece of silver paper in the wind”, he once said of Giggs: Robert Burns eat your heart out.