FM

Apr 302013
 

Some players just aren’t made for the English game, some of us aren’t as efficient as Germans at taking penalties, even fewer are capable of playing “tiki taka” football like the Spanish, but we all wish we grew up on a Brazilian beach and could dance through challenges. These are the stereotypes in football, I’m not sure where they’ve come from but what I can tell you is who typifies their country like no one else, whilst at the same pick out the red herring and tell you he isn’t really from that country, no matter what his passport may say, his performance on the football pitch say otherwise. So without further ado, the first instalment of stereotypical footballers awaits.

What better place to start off with than the country we live in, that’s England, in case you were wondering. Okay, so who is this player that sums up the very English nature in us? Many believe Steven Gerrard wears his heart on his sleeve, his passion when he puts on that shirt, the one with the three lions, he plays for that shirt, there is pride in his performances. He’s physical and gives it his all every time, he loves getting stuck in with his challenges, he loves the Hollywood pass, he’s everything great about the English footballer but quite frankly he isn’t your typical English footballer. Scott Parker on the other hand… is just that.

Parker also wears his heart on his sleeve, he loves the shirt, he plays for the shirt! He’s physical and gives it his all every time, he loves getting stuck in and he’s got an unbelievable work rate. He would probably take a bullet for his teammates and die whilst singing the National Anthem with his last breath. The difference between Steven Gerrard and Scott Parker is that Scotty isn’t all that good. Yes, he tries hard and gives everything he has for England but in reality what has he got to offer? Besides being as tough as nails and hard graft that is. The answer is, not much. He’s not supremely talented on the ball, although he is quite partial to a ‘Cruyff Turn’ just about fooling the 90-year-old in attendance who can’t quite keep up with the game any more. His dazzling footwork can only be described as watching someone try and run around in a bog, in fact it makes quite painful viewing on the odd occasions he forgets that he isn’t playing as Messi on FIFA and in actual fact he is Scott Parker, Englishman. His passing range is limited to a 5 yard radius. He reminds me of a dog that chases a toy you throw at him endlessly, but yet more often than not, when he gets said toy he doesn’t quite know what to do with it.

That being said, there is no faulting the fact Parker works his ass off when the other team are in possession but then he looks like a deer caught in headlights when he actually gets the ball and usually by the end of the game he can be found breathing out his backside. We shouldn’t forget though that journalists in this country defied Premier League Betting odds and voted him as their player of the season. Yes, the people who report on the game we love were swept away by Parker’s work ethic, during his failed bid to save West Ham from relegation two years ago, because he worked hard.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, if you are the type who likes their players to show effort for the cause above having the talent to achieve this so called cause. Parker typifies not only your typical English footballer but what your average of English viewer wants to see. Forget Frank Lampard, he doesn’t look like he tries when he plays for England, I mean why isn’t he scoring 200 odd goals from midfield internationally? We don’t want him in the team, we want Scott Parker. Let’s be honest here, no other country that believes it has realistic aspirations of winning a World Cup would consider the idea of Parker being captain but he represents us, the common folk. Men (and women) up and down the country feel a sense of pride when Parker is on the pitch, it’s the underdog story that we all love so much. In spite of being not all that good, he’s out there realising the dream so many of us have shared, playing in front of a packed Wem-ber-ley on a wet, Tuesday night. If Scott Parker wasn’t a footballer, he would be in the stands, with his shirt off and part of that bloody band.

So there you have it folks, Scott Parker is your typical English footballer, yes it is a sad day. Now, for the exception…

David Beckham.

I could have ended it at that full stop and you could’ve filled in the rest yourself, but for the purpose of transparency and making sure everyone is on my wavelength, David Beckham is the best of us, he can score from in his own half, he can bend a ball like, well, Beckham. There’s no point in arguing the next point… The man is fairly handsome, he’s a celebrity, he’s an icon, he’s even accepted cultures outside these shores. What is there not to love about him? I’ll tell you what, he’s no Parker.

“God Save Our Scott Parker”

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  3 Responses to “Stereotypical football: The most English footballer”

  1. Smiling all the way while reading. The great thing is that it qualifies both as a humorous sarcasm as well a serious lamenting of a traditionalist.Still I wish he is playing for Arsenal instead of Spurs.

  2. Stereotypical English footballers, you say?

    What about:

    James Milner
    The physique of a brickie and runs about as fast as one too. No particular skill set as such, he just batters his way down that right wing in a fashion reminiscent of one of those slow motion scenes first seen in ‘The Matrix’.

    Gary Cahill
    Typical English centre-half. Great in the air, crap on the floor, consistently an own-goal breakdown waiting to happen.

    Grant Holt
    As English as the sound of leather on willow, the smell of freshly cut grass, the texture of pastry crust against tin-foil pie transportation device.

    • You bring up some fine examples, Your little poem on Grant Holt is especially brilliant. For the purpose of time and not boring everyone to do death on a weekly basis, I decided I would only pick one player for each country.

      The picture says more than I could.

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